Saturday, November 21, 2009

Getting Off Lightly

This goalie is darn lucky that wasn't Elizabeth Lambert participating in the shootout. For taunting her with cartwheels, she would have intentionally kicked the ball in his face, then ripped off one of the posts of the goal to beat him with it, and then charged into the stands to roundhouse punch his mother. So consider yourself lucky that you only got embarrassed.

This blog post is sponsored by the Brown Detective Agency.

What's Your Damage, Elizabeth?

Yes, this particular news item is now about a month old but I am not what you would call trendsetter. But I repeat myself. Instead, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to stash this piece of video away in a convenient location for continued reviewing. Our dear Elizabeth Lambert exacted on the BYU soccer team what just about every high school girl imagines doing to her female classmates (but doesn't). Or so Hollywood tells me (that and actual life experience). To see this level of visceral girl-on-girl violence outside of the theaters or an episode of "Cheaters" is an uncommon a site as a well-acted ABC Family Channel Show. There were two parts of the video that I found the particularly interesting but were left relatively unmentioned in the resulting blanket TV reaction. The first was when a BYU player responded with the old "Scoreboard" rejoinder to the Lambert onslaught (very last scene of the below clip). Always a solid comeback to issue to a rampaging sore loser because it is sure to make them angrier. The second was a flailing slap-kick delivered after booting the ball away. Although the hair pull was the action that got most of the attention, for some reason it was the final exchange in the below video that really captured my attention. The hair pull was so quick while this seemed like a more prolonged, directed effort with intent to cause harm. Sure, the fact that this event involved pretty young women led the majority of the attention - anyone with a women in their life knows women can be everything a man can be including hypercompetative and physical. I just can't believe she didn't get kicked out of this game. In the end, though, I take my hat off to Elizabeth Lambert. You finally got people to care about a female sporting event.

This blog post is sponsored by Clampett Oil.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

And Starting at First Base, Aaron Carter

I have always been a sucker for All-Star games. Despite the fact that the games last half the day and no one under 50 watches the sport on a regular basis, I still make time to take in baseball's Mid-Season Classic every year. Despite the fact that the NFL has to typically go to its seventh choice at each position to get enough players to actually field a team, I willingly extend my football watching by a weekend for the Pro Bowl. Even though I know that the entire sport is rigged by the league and gamblers, I will even channel surf to the NBA All-Star Game. (Sorry, nothing can convince me to waste my time on the NHL defenseless shoot out) There is something about seeing all of those famous faces in unique arrangements that has always tickled my fancy. Stockton to Drexler. Ozzie Smith turning the double play with Ryno.

My fondness for the athletic mash-up carries over to other arenas as well. As a kid I always enjoyed those cheesy 80's TV movies that were cast with actors from that network's current line-up of shows. Spotting the next familiar face as it popped up was sport. The same goes today for any surprise TV and movie cameo's. Seeing the big star pop up unexpectedly in a flamboyantly out of character supporting spot (Madea Goes to Star Fleet Academy). Quality doesn't matter (Cannonball Run), I still get joy out of it. The only version of this phenomenon that I can't get behind is the reality show variation (Dancing with the Stars is the NHL of the celebrity all-star game). I have no interest in actors being themselves. They are only interesting as empty vessles for the manipulation of writers and directors.

A final variation on this theme is the name-dropping song which brings me to the below posted videos. Both feature catchy toons centered around random assemblages of real and fictitious characters (although how Aaron Carter warrants the same air space as luminaries like Chuck Norris, Batman, and Abe Lincoln is beyond me). In case of the first video, I can't stop myself from repeating the chorus of "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" in my head on a continuous loop. In the case of second, the gratuitous Jake Gyllenhaal appearance is the perfect cap to the completely hilarious send-up of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

This blog post is sponsored by Speaker City.