What Does TLC Stand for Again?

I admit, I have never really understood the appeal of “reality” television. These highly scripted skits have similar production value and believability of your high schooler’s production of “Avenue Q”. Yes, I did religiously watch the first seasons of Survivor and American Idol and when I am really desperate for entertainment late at night, you might catch me watching a random episode of Auction Hunters or Pawn Stars. And yes, I will be forced to check out Comic Book Men when it appears. But the moment the focus turns to Chumley’s latest scripted idiocy or contrived foul-up, I check out. At that point the very thin illusion of reality completely melts away and you are left watching regular old, really bad TV. If that is the case, why not watch the latest episode of Up All Night. At least it has a cute baby to distract you from the slowly encroaching darkness of death. Yet, even in the cesspool of reality TV, I think there is a special ring reserved for the shows that TLC puts on the air (and Lifetime, which is essentially the kid sitting at the next desk copying off TLC’s test). For some reason, this channel has decided that the best use of their broadcast time is to televise child abuse. No longer is it enough to sit back and laugh at the revolting actions of “adults” as they interact with other “adults”, TLC has decided to make stars out of people whose only defining characteristic is that they are evil to children. Whether it is by deciding they want to personify the baby-making machine of “A Brave New World” or borrowing all of their parenting techniques from the “How to Raise a Stripper” guidebook, the featured performers know that the secret to their success and fleeting fame is their irresponsible parenting and the more awful a parent they are, the more attention they get. And oh how they need that attention. Apparently though there is an audience for these things. I have heard all kinds of rationalizations for why people would want to revel in a child’s televised misery, but not one excuse has made any sense to me. Then again, I don’t understand the appeal of “reality” TV.

This blog post is sponsored by Dunder Mifflin.

Feudal Mario

There is a lot to like about the artwork of xiaobaosg (see it at his deviantart site and blog or buy it on his Etsy shop).  Although he is a self-described amateur artist, I am not really seeing how the quality of the artwork lines up with that amateur status.  Given his location on this planet (as best I can discern it), it is not surprising that his work all carries a heavy influence from traditional Asian/Chinese drawings.   True, his artwork has a bit too much panda for my taste but an interesting choice and one that plays out quite interestingly in some of his communist propaganda pieces.  But really what really got me excited about his work are the two pictures of his that are below.  A Mario and a Contra re-imagining in feudal China.  Sure, the Mario take is a bit of a new one but certainly there is no shortages of Mario art on the web.  But to do Contra?  That is a home run.  It is one of the few video games I have actually played all the way to the end (I clearly remember battling the level boss in the picture).  A true classic of the old blow on the cartridge Nintendo system.  That just rocks.  Really, after finding this fine piece of art I am only left to ask, why not more Contra pop-art on the interwebs?

This blog post is sponsored by Oscorp Technologies.

It's Not Easy Earning the Green

It has been awhile since I have seen a really good movie at the theater.  Granted, I haven’t had the chance to see the latest releases like Sherlock Holmes 2 and Tom Cruise in Sunglasses11 but I fully expect them to be nothing more than moderately entertaining, largely uninspired time wasters.  This is understandable given that my movie going experience has been largely limited to kiddy fare (with the eye-clawing exception of Twilight Saga : Please Make This StopBefore I Hara-Kiri Myself Part 1).  This has regrettably brought me face to face with such delights as the toy-hawking Cars 2 but it also gave me a convenient excuse to see the Muppet Movie. 

Unfortunately most nostalgia-fueled kids’ movies have largely been excruciating money grabs.   Us children of the 80’s remember how much we think we enjoyed the Smurfs, Chipmunks, and Yogi the Bear as kids and then rush out to the movie theater so that our progeny can experience the joy our brain’s way back machine convinces us we had when we first saw them on Saturday morning.  Of course, within 10 minutes of the lights going down, we realize that the Hollywood machine has completely befouled our childhood memories and then quietly weep through the remaining 70 minutes of brain liquefying computer animation while our children mentally make out their Christmas lists with everything they see on screen.  Of course, if we think really hard about it, we might even admit to ourselves that the source materials for these movies wasn’t of high quality either (I did love the part in Smurf where Doogie Howser questioned the naming system of the Smurfs).  And that is a key division point between these ankle biter of equivalents of the G.I. Joe movie and the Muppet-based movie.  The Muppets are legitimately funny.

The Muppets have always walked that thin line between giving the kids what they need for a good giggle while engaging in enough puns, word-play, and general absurdist humor that the adults that were brought along for the ride could have a good time as well (The Phineas and Ferb of its time).  In fact, in recently rewatching the original Muppet Movie with the kids, it bordered on being too adult-paced and teetered on the edge of losing them.  Me – I still found it as good as I remembered.   And thankfully those that made the new Muppets movie retained all of the cleverness that was contained in those classic Friday night episodes that I fell in love with as a kid.  They didn’t decide to computer generate them in 3D or put them in a world that they didn’t understand so you could do the standard fish out of water trope.  Instead it was same as it always was and should be.   That same world that found the existence of talking puppets to be normal and the presence of a flesh and bones and a felt-made brother pair to be unextraordinary.   The same fourth-wall acknowledging dialogue (quick aside – after explaining what the term fourth wall means to my eldest, she greatly enjoyed pointing out all of the instances in the Muppet movie of their fourth wall-breaking behavior.  Our youngest hearing this but not understanding, enjoys pointing out when things break the 2^nd and 3^rd wall).  Even the new characters introduced to the Muppet Universe in this movie were completely consistent with this tradition.  In fact, one of my favorite parts of movie was the character of “80’s Robot”.  Although he was responsible for one of the most generationally divisive joke of the movie.  The screeching sound of the dial-up modem that he used to connect to the internet produced a hardy chuckle out of the adults in the audience while the kids stared up in them in confusion asking what was so funny.

My greatest disappointment associated with the Muppet Movie is that it is going to finish well behind The Smurfs and the 3^rd Chipmunk Movie in box office receipts.  This is a movie that deserved better.  We are likely going to get a second dose of unnecessarily created Smurfs (I am looking at you Gutsy – couldn’t you have just been Hefty or Handy) before we get to find out if Tex Richman remembers to let those showgirls out of his closet now that he has amnesia.  At least TinTin is dying a predictable death and won’t be back for more creepily realistic animated adventures.  If only we treated all of the Belgian cartoon immigrants with the same indifference.  Come on people, buy American. Buy more Muppets.  Maniacal Laugh.  Maniacal Laugh.

Solitaire Update 

See I was right.  I had a very good reason for not stopping at 200 hands played.  My win percentage continues to climb.  Still not ready to conclude anything from this quite yet but it might actually be suggesting that just the act of playing solitaire again and again has actually improved my ability to play this game of skill (A solitaire player who blames bad luck for their losing ways is just a solitaire player that doesn’t truly understand the game).   I am beginning to see the dead-end moves that I would have previously made impetuously but now can avoid.  And as a result, each time I have tallied my results, my win percentage has gone up a percent.  For now, I am going to keep chugging along and see if my Solitaire learning curve finally plateaus.  But, until then, I will continue my climb to solitaire immortality.

Day 21 – 1 of 4 (203)

Day 22 – 2 of 12 (203)

Day 23 – 1 of 12 (200.5, 3.5, 47.07)

Day 24 – 1 of 4 (200.5, 3.64, 48.6)

Day 25 – 2 of 10 (199.5, 3.56, 48.29)

Day 26 – 2 of 11 (198.5, 3.76, 50.26)

Day 27 – 2 of 9 (199.5)

Day 28 – 0 of 7 (200.5, 3.77, 49.4)

Day 29 – 2 of 5 (200.5, 3.71, 49.33)

Day 30 – 1 of 8 (199, 3.75, 49.27)

Day 31 – 1 of 3 (200.5, 3.75, 50.1)

Day 32 – 1 of 4 (200, 3.75, 49.49)

Day 33 – 1 of 12

Day 34 – 6 of 26

Total - 53 of 318 (16.7%)

This blog post is sponsored by Richman Oil.

My Hindsight is Impeccable

The problem with taking months off between writing blog entries, is that all those absolutely brilliant predictions you make never get recorded so that when you are inevitably proven correct there is a lack of a record to prove your brilliance.  Luckily, I included my feelings about the Green Lantern movie in my last blog posting spree well before Ryan Reynolds proved me one hundred percent right.  I was able to successfully call both the miscasting and awful look and feel of the movie from the trailer.  I particularly enjoyed the io9 review of the movie that referred to GL as the floating of head of Ryan Reynolds.  The movie looked silly and amateurish by direct-to-DVD standards and only succeeded in killing off a franchise that the studio was willing to keep alive even in the face of losing over 100 million dollars on the original.  My childhood installed in me a deep fandom for Green Lantern and G.I. Joe and I was thrilled when it was announced that both of those properties would be turned into movies.  And then Hollywood went and destroyed both of them (we won’t even get into Transformers 2 because at least the original Transformers is a pretty entertaining movie if you edit out all the parts with John Turturro and Sam Witwicky’s parents).  At least G.I. Joe is getting the Rock.  And the Rock does not disappoint.

But one prediction that I didn’t get down on silicon in time was my the strong feeling from the trailer that Cars 2 was going to be the big letdown that breaks Pixar’s streak of instant classics (Personally I consider Ratatouille to be the first blemish on their reputation but I will go with the critics here and pretend that it was a classic).  It didn’t play like a Pixar movie.  It felt like a Dreamsworks’ movie.  A shameless grab for the easy money that comes with a quicky sequel and a built-in merchandising franchise.  And the full length thing just proved all of those concerns to be on target.  The wafer thin plot and a nonsensical twist ending (it made absolutely no sense in retrospect or in immediate inspection) had the stench of Disney’s fine tradition of sequels like Aladdin: The Return of Jafar or Cinderella II - Dreams Come True.  This movie clearly existed only to get their branded toys back on the shelves and drilled into kids’ cerebrum’s.  The Toy Story sequels had made us think Pixar was different.  They weren’t wearing the Katzenberg albatross that gave us Lilo and Stitch 2: Stitch as a Glitch.  But it is clear now.  The only 2 Pixar movies to get sequels to date (Monsters Inc. 2 will soon make this statement out dated) were the ones that spawned successful toy lines.  The announcement of a fourth Toy Story movie, despite the artistic crescendo of Toy Story 3 (should have won the best picture Oscar last year but an animated movie will never win) that provided one of the best trilogy conclusions ever only, only underlines, bolds, and italicizes the swallowing up of the Pixar vision by the Disney marketing monster.  Oh well, we will always have WALL-E.  

Oh and here is one more of my outdated predictions for the road.  3D movies are an overpriced fad that tries to convince people to pay premium pricing for a diminished movie going experience.  It will soon pass.  Also, we will one day fly like the birds, walk on the moon, ride around in horseless carriages, and tame the mighty power of the open flame.  Man, my ability to predict the past is amazing.

This blog poster is sponsored by the Four-Five-Six Laundry.

The Big Bad

It is a well known rule of cinema that villains are much more interesting than the heroes. The actors like to play them and the audience loves to see them get their come uppence while secretly rooting for them.  Keyser Söze, Anton Chigurh, and the Joker won Oscars, Batman wasn't even considered and most people wouldn't recognize the names Llewelyn Moss and Dave Kujan even if they were tacked up on the bulletin board directly behind them.  The bad guys are just cooler.  For me, my favorite all-time (off the top of my head) bad dude is Agent Smith from the Matrix.  Sure he got a little less awesome as the trilogy progress but then so did the entire trilogy.  But the steely menace he exuded as he pursued the whiny/nancy Neo really drove the action of the movie.  In fact while I am at it, here are my top ten movie and television bad guys.  Again, this is completely off the top of my head so I expect to revisit this topic once I stop and expend a neuron or two on it.  There are no criteria or metrics for the order and make up of this list other than my own personal whim.

1. Agent Smith
2. Keyser Soze/Verbal Kent
3. The Thin Man
4. Hans Gruber
5. The Joker
6. Q
7. Ivan Drago
8. Ben Linus
9. Thomas Gabriel
10. Russell Edgington (Russell earned his spot on the list with this exceptional scene)

 With this said, is it really any surprise that this little girl bows down to one of the most iconic baddies in movie history (he didn't make my list because I am a Star Trek guy, not Star Wars - Yoda wants to bring balance to "the Force" when "the Force" was out of balance in his favor.  Yeah that makes a lot of sense).  I mean Darth Vader once slaughtered a whole school of little Jedi's in training.  Is it really smart for an untrained tyke to stand up to him? I think Mace Windu is the real villain in the video below.  Sending a child to certain death and then rudely escorting her off the stage when she won't be his willing sacrifice.  The girl was just being prudent in joining up with the dark side.

This blog poster is sponsored by the Drunken Clam Tavern.

We Will Live Forever Through our Cartoons

One (of the many) great thing about pop culture is that it gives us a common language. Something that we can bring up at your local church, school, gin joint, malt shop, or disco and everyone immediately recognizes, identifies with, or at least as an opinion on. And it sure beats talking about the weather again. But pop culture has always carried the black eye of being the snack food of society. Eat it up your Ho-Ho but ten minutes later your hungry again and go in search of some deep-fried Oreos. That just isn't the case anymore. Pop culture has transcended it mortal confines and now lives eternal within our greater cultural gestalt. We no longer sit around the fireplace listening to grandfathers tales of his days of ducking the draft or hear about how our grandmother's grandmother ventured out on the Oregon Trail, got dysentery, and died. Now, instead of handing down stories of Paul Bunyan and John Henry, we revel in the chance to expose our kids to the Transformers, Strawberry Shortcake, and Scooby Doo. This is our new oral tradition. These our generational touchstones that will be referred back to again and again. As a result our media and art are changing to reflect the entrainment of these characters on our permanent consciousness. Where art used to center on religious imagery because it was a nearly universal reference point. But our pop culture heroes are now replacing the Madonna inside the gilded frame. We decorate our walls with pictures of them. They cover our children's bedrooms. And mark the cubicles of every IT worker. Take for instance the Disney Princesses I discussed yesterday. Because everyone, young and old, knows these characters, knows their history, their backstory, one can give new significance to their visages by layering on top of it any popular trope. Or one can attempt to engage in societal commentary by placing the Princesses into modern environs. Luckily enough I have examples of both. One giving the Princesses a nice zombie make-over and another giving the Princesses a less than happily ever after.

This blog post is sponsored by Mario Brothers Plumbing Services.

Every Girls Wants to be a Princess (trademarked)

Royalty as viewed in modern culture is not based in reality. With the faux-excitement of the commemorative plate buying set for the William/Kate pairing excepted, the monarchy has lost all romanticism and exist only as a useless burden on the European tax payers. Instead, in today's world, there is only one royal title that has any real value and it is branded. Unless you wear the crown of a Disney Princess, your run of the mill king or queen can expect about the same level of respect from the general populace as guy who tries to predict the college basketball teams that will make the NCAA tournament for a living. But if you happened to spring from the loins of the Lord of Atlantis or utilize rodents as your clothing designers, you will have a good portion of the XX individuals in this country spending the first 10 years of their life ready to sacrifice their brother for the chance to be you. That's were the cache is. Forget Princess Grace. The only princesses that most generations from here on out will know by name are Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Cinderella, and Rapunzel. Most times I have a complete detachment from reality in favor of world view shaped by primary colored animations. Yet are these really the role models our daughters should have. Airheaded nymphs that believe what ever they are told. 16 year-olds ready to run off and marry the first man they meet in the woods. Disney does many things well but providing positive role models for young girls. Maybe not.

This blog post is sponsored by Vandelay Industries.

Who Says TV Isn't Educational

It is very likely that if you are fan of musical theater, you are fan of Glee. I know I'm that toe tapping kind of guy. A weekly song and dance extravaganza staged with tongue firmly implanted in cheek. What is not to like? Well, I will tell you in two words, Will Schuester, the most annoyingly awful main character a popular show has had to bear since Joel Fleischman. It is not clear whether it is the actor or the script that has led to such repulsion but what appears on screen is a most hateable personage unlike anything outside of Wysteria Lane. The first season presented us with a hapless sap with little backbone but the second season of the show has advanced him to a selfish, self-serving whelp with little redeeming value. And every time they try to find an excuse to feature him in one for the show's main pieces, he comes off as if he assembled the entire Glee club in a desperate bid to finally feel like the cool kid in high school (And wow was his rendition of Make 'Em Laugh just painful to watch). A sorry little creature. He is a fantastic argument for home schooling. Let's just hope the rest of the show doesn't go the way of the Schue although the last couple of episodes have shown a troublesome trend. The Kurt storylines have been both heavyhanded and predictable while this week's substitute episode had breakneck shifts between plot points was all over the map. But as long as they keep filling their hours with classics of rock like below I will be there.

Side complaint - As great as Hulu is for subverting commercial TV, it is still a shame their clips have a freshness label on them. It won't be too long in the future until the above highlight becomes non-functional. And won't we all be a little worse off for the loss.

Now for the unreplicated genius of the original source material as well as the best of this lot of educational diddies. "I'm Just a Bill" gives you a better understanding of our form of government than any civics class. Plus it rocks.

This blog post is sponsored by Rapunzhair.

Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together

I first became acquainted with Star Trek through syndicated reruns of the "Star Trek Classic". The timing of my introduction to the 5 year voyage couldn't have been more perfect as it came within spitting distance of the premiere of Star Trek:The Next Generation. Because of my temporal proximity to first adventures of the USS Enterprise, I had to check out the new intellectual property. TGN, as the cool people refer to it, took the original concept and built a show that was actually worthy of it. In fact, it was so far beyond the original in quality that it was hard to believe they came from the gene pool. Heck, TGN cast an actual actor instead of a pompous hack at the head of impressive cast of memorable characters such as nerdy son of the ship's doctor that grows up to be time traveling demigod and proliferative blogger, a ship's engineer that teaches kids to read in his spare time, and, my favorite, the omnipotent Q. Sure every Star Trek series to follow TGN, including critics' favorite Deep Space Nine, was a pale imitation of TGN and a waste of hours of my time, but the sheer joy of a weekly sci-fi show with brains when there were no other sci-fi shows on TV will live with me for a long time. The fact that TGN featured the best ever series premiere-series finale bookends doesn't hurt either. It is just too bad they could never successfully translate TGN to big screen, necessitating that overpraised, underwhelming, and internally illogical Star Trek reboot of this last summer (I never would have thought a young Captain Kirk would have such an effeminate speaking voice). At least J.J. Abrams didn't use the bomb in the brain gimmick for the 15th time in this movie.

I say all this to set up the following clip. A mash-up of that same overpraised, underwhelming, and internally illogical Star Trek reboot with the A-team theme song. The A-team - a gloriously cheesy 80's show that I ate up as a kid. Of course they really don't make shows that light weight any more. Too bad. (By the way, the new A-Team movie looks down right awful)

Make it so Number One.

This blog post is sponsored by Biffco Enterprises.

Inexperience Is No Excuse

One of the many joys us parents are able to derive from our children is a continual feeling of superiority. You can stand back and laugh at their inability to execute such simple tasks as tying their shoes or solving for pi. Anytime the world is kicking your butt, just come home and challenge your kid to a game of SpongeBob branded "Operation" and quickly establish that indeed there is one person in the world that you are better than. That is of course until you reach that sad, sad day when your child reaches their physical peak any you have long since passed yours.

This blog post is sponsored by the Every Brown Bear Gets a Sandwich Fund.

All About Me

From the outset, I have made no bones the nature of this blog. It is intended to be nothing more than a compilation of self-indulgent navel gazing. This is likely the reason why it has taken me nearly a full calendar year to realize that other members of the genus Homo have happened across my ramblings. But now that my eyes have been opened, it is time to salute these fine upstanding citizens for taken note of the internet's highest quality detritus.

Since I began cataloging poor quality videos that amuse only me, I have received 7 comments on this corner of the internet wilderness. One was a spam comment that I deleted while 3 more are were from relatives that pitied my sad, lonely, and ignored musings and threw me a bone. But then I put up a post about the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. Surprise, surprise, I hit a sweet spot for the blogosphere. 2 of the comments are even relevant to my post. So thanks Marc and Kyle. You have proven that every now and then, the needle can be found in the haystack, even when the haystack is larger than the great state of Alaska. And specifically to Kyle, you have obviously put some thought into your comment and in the spirit and tradition of great internet debate, I respectfully deem your opinion the moronic regurgitation of an obviously mentally feeble individual in need of institutionalization. Who will feed you when you mother passes on? Actually, I see what you are getting at but I stand by my concerns over casting. My problem with Duke isn't so much about age but the blandness of the actor. And despite your contention, I still feel Cobra Commander needs the gravitas that only comes with age. But I am prepared to be and hope to be wrong.

In honor of my most popular post, I present video from Cobra Commander's ill fated run for President. I imagine his plan for a weather control device would have been as beneficial to the future of this country as the Iraq War and the latest version of a stimulus package. Oh, and the Oscars were completely unwatchable.



This blog post is sponsored by Prescott Pharmaceuticals.

You Are What You Eat

If Hallmark created Valentine's Day then Hersey's has to be responsible for Halloween. The one time of year when it is socially acceptable to load your children up on sugar and high fructose corn syrup. But other than the all natural, life giving goodness of corn syrup, what is really going into the bellies of your little ones when they gobble down their spoils. Sure, we know what's in an apple (razor blades) but what about Laffy Taffy. It can't all be vitamins and minerals. There could possibly be something unhealthy mixed in with those real fruit flavors. Thankfully, an artist has given us a detailed view of the innards one popular confection. Those high-pitched noises you hear every time you eat a Gummi Bear? Their screams. And since we are the topic, enjoy some other Gummi Bear-related entertainment.

This blog post is sponsored by Gringott's Financial Services.

You Sunk My Battleship

Trailers are often the best part of a movie (see National Treasure 2 and Indiana Jones and the Retirement Home of Doom - subject of upcoming blog post). All of the best scenes cherry picked and strung together with a melodramatic voice over to give it gravitas. It has become an artform of sort. It seems it is easier to create a quality trailer than it is to make a quality movie. Heck, they keep convincing me to see Nick Cage movies (It has all been down hill since Con Air). Plus trailers allow you to save $20 and 2 hours of your life while still getting the same level of enjoyment. Is it any wonder then that there are some high quality trailers out there for movies they will never make? How could the movies ever live up to these comic gems? Add in the blatant name checking of my favorite childhood diversions in the first trailer, and I was sold. The second trailer - well just in time for Halloween is a horror movie that no one wants to see.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Goin' Rogue

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

This blog post is sponsored by Rich Industries.

A Real American Movie - GI Joe

My two favorite childhood cartoons/toy lines were the Transformers and GI Joe. So, I was suitably stoked when the Transformers live action movie was first announced. Thankfully, I was not disappointed when the final product arrived on the big screen (as long as I block out all of the scenes involving John Turturro). Now the men with the kung-fu grip are also heading to the silver screen (sometime in the summer of 2009). Hopefully they take the big budget approach and do this thing right (Lots of explosions, little talking, and maybe a weather control device that is broken into 3 pieces and scattered to the far corners of the world). With a live action He-Man movie also on the way, all we need now is a Thundercats extravaganza and my entire childhood will have been successfully mass marketed to a new generation.

Most of the casting for the primary roles has now been announced. For the most, the cast looks like a strong mix of notable character actors. People that should really provide some color to their cartoon-inspired roles. There are really only a couple disappointing or unusual choices though. I would have liked to have seen a more firmly established personality inhabit Duke, the alpha dog of the Joes. The selection of another bland, nameless, generic Hollywood boy toy to head up this effort seems to be a step in the wrong direction. Joseph Gordon-Levitt has done fantastic work in movies like Brick and the Lookout but doesn't seem to have the size or the age to pull off the Cobra Commander. I guess the choice of a prepubescent Duke required his nemesis to also be on the younger side. But again, a less than stellar casting choice. Overall, though, I would give a thumbs up to the cast. The international flavor is a nice touch. Marlon Wayans does seem like an odd choice but I imagine they wanted some comedy relief and he is just as good as anyone for that role. Although, I can think of some other G.I. Joe team members that would be better for him to portray for laughs than Ripcord. Shipwreck was always one of the cutups on the cartoon. Why not him? In choosing the Joes and the Cobra members to include in the movie, they did grab all the big ones. Flint and Lady Jaye must have just missed the cut on the Joe side and Serpentor and Dr. Mindbender would seem perfect for a sequel (Here is hoping this movie warrants one). I just hope the movie does not become the Ninja show. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow kind of took over the G.I. Joe comic book series. As a final show of the level of geekiness I have for the G.I. Joe world, I have matched up the actors from the movie with there cartoon counterparts. Others have done this but those lists are already out of date.

The Joes

Channing Tatum as Duke


Rachel Nichols as Scarlett


Dennis Quaid as General Hawk

Ray Park as Snake Eyes


Saïd Taghmaoui as Breaker


Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Heavy Duty

Marlon Wayans as Ripcord

Cobra


Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the Cobra Commander


Christopher Eccleston as Destro


Sienna Miller as the Baroness


Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow


Arnold Vosloo as Zartan

Childrearing Techniques for the 21st Century

Exceptional steps must be taken to properly raise your child in an increasing violent modern world. To aid in your defense of your child's health and well being in the face of this ongoing offensive comes these new childcare products sure to be essential components of any caring parent's arsenal. Want to take your baby for a walk but a worried about stray bullets from drive-by shootings. Worry no more when the little tike is outfitted in his own Kevlar vest and bullet-proof stroller. Want to help your child stand-up to the playground bully. Outfit him in full riot gear and he will be able to quell any grade school uprising. Now, if we could just convince the government that our toddlers should be able to pack heat as well, then, we as parents, could rest easy knowing our children our properly equipped to face the world. Just ask these guys.

Because you care about your child's safety, you wouldn't trust he or she to any pimply-faced teenager or kindly hobo when you and your baby's momma need to go out on the town to celebrate your 50 cent an hour raise at the local KFC. Instead, hard-partying, meth-dealing parents should consider the use another revolutionary parenting device, the baby cage. Combine this with everyone's favorite babysitter, the television, and parents can enjoy a guild-free weekend bender secure in the knowledge that their little one will be properly sedated and free of the dangers of electrical outlets and your liquor cabinet. It sure beats the alternative of locking the kid in the car where busy bodies bar patrons can kill your buzz by calling the cops. As evidenced by the clip below, utilization of the baby cage in early childhood results in a healthy, happy adulthood.

The Meek Shall Inherit Pain

There isn't much that warms my cockles more than seeing little kids bounce off hard surfaces. At least they are made of some combination of cement and rubber. They feel no pain and rarely break anything. Plus, they are like real people only smaller which makes it funny.

Ah, to be Young and Sick

The recent death of Phil Rizzuto (Hey I told you I was late to funerals) reminded me of those wonderful days of my youth when I was able to satisfactorily fain illness to convince my parents that my day was better spent on a couch than at a desk. As any meth dealer will tell you, there is nothing good on day-time television especially in the 80's when the choices were limited to the big 3 networks, PBS, and a couple of local affiliates. This led to sick days filled with reruns of the best 1970's television had to offer. Happy Days, Mayberry RFD, Gomer Pile, Beverly Hillbillies. High culture, for sure. Interspersed amongst the aged hilarity were some truly awful commercials that still stick with me to this day. One, of course, was the Money Store commercial with Phil Rizzuto that inspired this post. I had no idea that the man was a Hall of Fame baseball player, only that he wanted to sell me money (how does that work as a business exactly). The other was for the one, the only, Freedom Rock. Is that Freedom Rock, man? Well turn it up man. Classic.

Make It Stop

TV has long been blamed for the corruption and dumbing down of our society. Well, it appears that TV has decided stop fighting that image and started to deliberately produce shows intended to cause our brains to eat themselves. The worst part of this story is that the demonic creatures that now run TV have decided target the most innocent, helpless portion of our society. No, not the president. Babies and toddlers, insuring that the next generations best skill will be drooling on themselves. I first suspected this when I watched some of the Baby Einstein videos. They purport to have some educational value but to me it seemed that all babies learned to do was zone out in front of the glowing box. Of course, it has since been confirmed that these videos do make you dumber. Now comes the most insidious plot yet to kill brain cells, Yo Gabba Gabba. Watch the clip above and you will have glimmer of the danger this show poses (This blog is not responsible for mental or physical issues that may result from watching this toxic waste). To truly appreciate the evil genius of this show, you have to hear and see the performance of the "Jumpy Jump" song. It is freely downloadable at the show's MySpace page (Of course it is free. The purveyors of this filth are only interested in destroying us, not making a profit). But again, I must warn you to listen to this at your own risk. It is really sticky and is the enemy's most effective weapon in the destruction of intelligent life. I am still trying to free myself from it. Soon we will all end up like the character's in Will Ferrell's latest web video (below) or everyone in "The Invasion". Please, storm Nick Jr. studios. Throw your TV's out. Just don't let Yo Gabba Gabba into your house.

Eight is Enough, Nine is Enough, Ten is Enough....

The news is out that the Dugger litter has added another puppy (the 17th) on their personal crusade to overpopulate the world. The baby factory says they are not done. I can see why, one more and they can field two full baseball teams. Until then, the kids have to include children that aren't their siblings in their 9 on 9 scrimmages. And who wants to be exposed to the outside world?

Actually, this story and the attention it gets disgusts me. Especially because it feeds right into the raging egomania of the parents that drives this nonstop reproduction. They may feel really special about having a constantly knocked-up woman of the house but what about the children. Don't they deserve a real mom, not one that is constantly incapacitated. The unbelievable selfishness of these people. They readily admit that the only way the household can run is if each of the older kids parent that younger ones. I know, how about the parents parent their kids? Oh yeah, they are too busy enjoying their appearances on the Today show and the Discovery Channel to worry about that. When do their kids get to be kids? To top it all off and to make sure the kids are shielded from the realization that their family is profoundly screwed up, they "home-school" them. This is, of course, a euphemism for keeping them dumb and indoctrinated. Plus they would lose the free day care for the young ones if they sent the old ones to school. Just the idea of successful "home-schooling" with this number of kids, with this wide an age range, and a teacher that is always on maternity leave makes no sense. I am guessing graduation requires them to successfully fake being literate. Now that the mom is getting up there in age, I imagine that this families mission to populate an entire city from a single uterus won't seem like so much fun when the first Downs kid shows up. Some one needs to stop these fame whores before they damage more kids lives for their own glory.

Teach Them Early that Life is Hard

Add both the book and the movie version of Bridge to Terabithia to the list of "childhood entertainment" options that seek to teach kids about the fragility of life. Never to early to know that Mommy and Daddy are going to die.