Reality is a Fraud

Only the truly self-delusional ever believed that most things billed as reality television were true slices of life.  The crazy antics and unlikely situations of “Duck Dynasty” are as spontaneous and genuine as the outcomes of every WWE match.   I guess it is just too much to hope that there are Tiffany Lamps and antique musket rifles dating back to the Revolutionary War buried in every abandoned storage locker.  Yet, it still hit me pretty hard when I learned that one of my favorite 30 minute time wasters had has much integrity as Honey Boo Boo.  “House Hunters” seemed like a format that didn’t really need to be “enhanced”.  There wasn’t staged conflict or outsized personalities.  Someone was buying a house and we got to see a couple of the houses they looked at.  Simple enough.  But I guess not.  It was all a fraud.  A charade.  There was a wizard behind the curtain.  How did I not see it?  All the signs were there.  Just look at this old episode of “House Hunters International”.  Two of the houses they looked at are owned by incredibly famous people who were obviously never going to sell.  As the blogs reported, they were obviously just friends of this episode’s subject who allowed their homes to be filmed.  I bet that wasn't even a real princess.  I guess from now on I will just stick to the TV shows that I know are staged, scripted, and full of lies. Like Presidential Debates.

The Presidents The Way They Should Be

I continue to envy those that are skilled at the creative arts.  I like to pretend that I have some capacity at creative writing (I have the great American novel in me if only I had the time to write, I say to myself in my most delusional moments) but even my skewed self imagine doesn't allow me fool myself into thinking I can create anything that would be considered art.  Of course my definition of art is flexible.  Typically, the type of art that I appreciate most is that which allows us to visualize what ordinarily would only exist in our imagination.  And this is the kind of art I want to try to highlight every Thursday.  First up is what I think is a perfect example of the kind thing that I would create if I had any real artistic skill.  Jason Heuser created a series of posters that show us how our greatest president's would have responded to such real world issues as zombie outbreaks and Sasquatch invasion if they would have faced them while in office.  This is the world I want to live in and I appreciate those that can bring it to life. 

This blog post is sponsored by Schrute Farm.

It's A Trap

Since we are on the subject of ESPN’s “It’s not crazy.  It’s sports” advertising campaign, I have to highlight the cream of the crop which plays more like a documentary than a commercial.  The great disappointment of this ad and the real life events that inspired it is that real life (and copyright law) interjected itself into the delightful story of an internet meme’s attempt to turn the self-righteousness of the Southern football “tradition” on its head.  Wouldn’t it have been great if those prim and proper dance squad ladies that think it is appropriate to celebrate a legacy of slavery with the nickname of their past it's prime ball team had to  now wear a shirt with a prune-faced alien to their Saturday tailgate party.  Ahhh…what could have been.

Solitaire Update

The updates keep coming.  Not much new to report at this point.  I am beginning to pile up some sizable N's for what my normal rate of success is.  Before I can really appreciated  whether any potential strategies that I mentioned in that first Solitaire post has an impact on success, I have to understand what success looks like.  Right now we are settling in on a number of approximately 1 win for every 6 hands of cards.  Although the almost 200 hands played seems like a lot, there still seems to be some real movement in the numbers.  I think to get a true stable baseline, I need to go a total of 1000 hands.  So that is my goal right now.  1000 hands of solitaire with the standard straight ahead strategy.  Then we will see where we are and go from there.

Day 12 - 1 of 10 (203.5)
Day 13 - 1 of 12 (203.5)
Day 14 - 1 of 1 (203.5, 3.52, 48.34)
Day 15 - 1 of 8 (202, 3.49, 48.16)
Day 16 - 1 of 5 (203)
Day 17 - 3 of 7 (202.5, 3.55, 48.05)
Day 18 - 0 of 9 (202.5, 3.53, 48.05)
Day 19 - 3 of 5 (201.5, 3.56, 47.94)
Day 20 - 0 of 5 (200.5, 3.76, 50.58)
Overall Success Rate - 30 out of 191 (15.7%)

This blog post is sponsored by Allinol.

The World's Most Famous Piece of Terry Cloth

Is it any wonder that ESPN made a commercial that celebrated the fanship of the Pittsburgh Steelers, the single greatest and most successful NFL franchise in professional football history?  To be fair, ESPN did make “It’s not crazy.  It's sports” spots for other teams but none of the others were as genuine and real as the Steeler one.   In fact, the Philadelphia Eagle one was just downright sad for the contrived, artificial nature of it.  Whereas taking the Terrible Towel to the far reaches of the earth is completely natural and expected.  Watch any Steelers’ game and it seems like it is a home game, regardless of where they are playing.  I still remember a Monday night game a couple years back at Washington, the home of a once proud franchise with a supposedly devoted fanbase.  Yet, the Black and Gold dominated the screen and it was the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons quarterback that had problems shouting out signals over the roar of the crowd, not the Steelers.  It wasn’t like they were playing in Jacksonville.  This was an NFL town, yet they couldn’t muster up enough hometown fans to make a decent showing against the invading hordes of the Steelers’ Washington D.C. sleeper cell.  This is not uncommon.  Steeler fans don’t just travel well.  They are in every town and in great numbers.  But why is this?  It isn’t because the once polluting steel mill smokestacks created generation after generation of ex-patriots that infiltrated every corner of this country.   Pittsburgh was just never big enough to have that many former residents.   The truth of the matter is the opening statement of this paragraph.  The Steelers are the most successful NFL franchise of all time.  One for the thumb plus another finger on the other hand (you can pick which finger that is).  Eight Super Bowl visits in all.  The Steelers are proof positive that the specter of league wide parity and the death of the dynasty is one big myth perpetuated by college football apologists who still think anyone still cares about their sham of a “sport”. 

If we just look back at the last 10 years of NFL playoff history, yes you will see that almost the entire league did make the playoffs at one point or another (Sorry Houston, Detroit, and Buffalo - no playoffs for you in the last 10 years).  And the system is certainly set up to give better odds at a payoff than any slot machine you will see in Vegas.  Firstly, there are only 4 teams in each division.  So right off the bat you have a 25% chance in making the playoffs.  Not bad.  Once you add in the wildcards, you have over one third of the league participating in the post season every year.  During the last decade, if true parity were in place, you would expect every team to make the playoffs 3-4 times.  Instead, the majority of playoff visits are cluster amongst the a few privileged teams.  The NFL’s 1%.  In this elite group, you are making the playoffs, at worst, every other year.  The 10 most successful franchises (Indianapolis, New England, Phliadelphia, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, New York Jets, Seattle, New York Giants, and San Diego) account for 56% of the playoff spots grabbed in the last 10 years despite only making up only 31% of the league’s teams.  The bottom 11 teams (Houston, Detroit, Buffalo, Cleveland, Washington, San Francisco, Oakland, Miami, Jacksonville, Cincinnati, and Arizona) captured 12.5% of the playoff spots (about 1 per 10 years on average) with 34.5% of the league’s teams during that same time frame.  People love to point to the yearly turnover of playoff teams as proof of the league’s parity.  But this myopic view misses the larger trends that are obvious with a more macro view.  One that shows that in fact there are dominant teams that over the long term continue to succeed again and again, while the one year wonders quickly return to obscurity.  If you live in Cleveland you can hold onto the dream of parity and the promise it brings to deliver your once in a decade playoff visit.  Or you can face reality and become a fan of real winner of a franchise like Indianapolis that gave you a rooting interest in January for nine straight years.  And that folks is why there are more Steeler fans in Jacksonville than Jaguar fans (The Jaguars really only have themselves to blame for this – they could have drafted TIM TEBOW!).

Solitaire Update

One of the stated goals I had for doing the solitaire update was to encourage more frequent writing on this blog.  Given that it has been over a month since my last blog post, you might say that I missed that goal by a country mile.  Well, yes and no.  I have been dutifully keeping track of my solitaire success and failures and the presence of that card playing log has been a constant weight on my conscience.  A tell-tale deck of cards whispering in my ear to post an update.  The quickly accumulating backlog of solitaire data has in many ways done exactly what it was supposed to do.  It has provided me with the prompt I need to finally get my fingers to the keyboard and start reporting.  And really only 30 odd days between posts is pretty good for me.  So I declare “Mission Accomplished”.

Day 6 - 2 of 13

Day 7 - 2 of 13

Day 8 - 2 of 14

Day 9 - 3 of 12

Day 10 - 3 of 11 (204, 3.5, 48.22)

Day 11 - 0 of 10 (203.5, 3.41, 47.47)

Overall Success Rate - 19 out of 129 (14.7%)

This blog post is sponsored by Merlotte's Bar and Grill.

In memorium

An incredibly important date past the world by last month with surprisingly little fanfare or ceremony  Despite it being the 30th anniversary of an event that singularly provided for the ultimate triumph of good over evil.  It was on October 31st, 1981 that a young mother and father were faced with the ultimate nightmare of many a new parent. As most of the world slept, a malevolent intruder entered their home with the sole intention of taking the life of their dear infant son.  Despite the fact that this notorious mass murderer had already left a pile of bodies in his wake, the dedicated parents did not flee the premises.  Instead their declared their homestead the Alamo, digging in to make a final stand against the reptilian sociopath that sought to claim the life of the child.  After a fierce battle that culminated at the very edge of the crib that held the young boy, the invader was successfully repelled but not before leaving the mother and father dead and the child with a disfiguring scar on his forehead that would torment him with memories of what he lost that night for the rest of his life.  Of course it would be other 17 years before the force of pure evil responsible for the systematic execution of hundreds to thousands of individuals (accurate counts are still not clear) not deemed "pure" enough to be part of his new world order was finally defeated for good.  But that defeat happened at the hands of that same boy who lived that night (after a short stop over in Heaven's Train Station and Mutant Day Care Facility).  Without the sacrifice of these two brave souls, millions of more might have died.  So, next year, when Halloween rolls around, remember these two individuals and what they did to help secure the freedom and safety we enjoy today.  Well, maybe just eulogize the mother.  The father was a bully, an entitled prat, and all around horrible individual that probably deserved to die.

The Death of James and Lily Potter - October 31, 1981 (the actual date)

This blog poster is sponsored by the Umbrella Corporation.

Collateral Damage

I was watching Knight and Day, Tom Cruise's failed attempt to regain his standing at the top of the summer blockbuster hill, the other night and in between the wacky hi-jinks and intricately choreographed gun-play, a thought occurred to me. Even though Tom Cruise is our movie's hero (he's TOM CRUISE, could he be anything than our wise-cracking hero), the people he is killing, maiming, and generally laying waste to with a broad Tom Cruise smile on his face are actually good guys.  The plot of the movie hinges on a betrayal by Tom Cruise's CIA partner.  The always theatrically evil Peter Sarsgaard decides to go rogue and frame our good man Tom Cruise for his crime.  This sends Tom Cruise on the lamb as a gaggle of law enforcement and federal agents attempt to bring him to justice.  The problem is the evil conspiracy does not seem to extend beyond the always evil Sarsgaard.  So when Cruise takes out several agents, he is taking out good men just doing their job in defense of God and country.  Essentially, the subtext of this movie is that it is OK to be a mass murderer of our nation's law enforcers and espionage agents if you believe you have been treated unfairly by "the system".  Can't imagine that is what the film makers where going for but it is there none the less.  Not that this a completely novel element to the modern action movie.  James Bond commonly lays waste to random security guards and soldiers that just happen to have the bad luck of being assigned to work the night shift when Bond breaks in to steal the secret science project from the penthouse office of an evil mastermind.  A secret science project that no minimum wage security guard just trying to get a few bucks into his 401K would have any knowledge of.  They are just trying to see why the alarm is going off on the 16th floor and a man with a license to kill puts a bullet in their head.  Again, not much different from The Matrix that shed no tears for the mindless drones put out of their misery because they couldn't accept "the reality" that select few unplugged knew.  The heroes are not so heroic if thought of from another angle.

This whole diatribe does bring to mind one of my favorite scenes from Clerks (embedded below) where they discuss the morality of killing the contractors that were likely hard at work on the Death Star when the rebels blew it up for the second time.  I still argue that the Knight and Day federal agent isn't in the same category plumber on the Death Star or the roofer working for the mobster.  But it probably does work for the employees of the Rupert Murdock-analog in Tomorrow Never Dies and his Fox News-like organization.

This blog post is sponsored by Cybus Industries.

Bowl Season Round-up 2011

This being the night of the NCAA basketball championship, it makes complete sense to me to post my recurring NCAA football bowl season standings.  Actually, there is a very good reason to pair these two events.  The underlying theme of all of my bowl season posts is that the little guy is being unfairly kept down by they man.  The "experts" that heavily influence popular sentiment insist on repeating the same nonsense year after year that only serves to prop up the status quo and ignore the facts.  Yet once again the Mountain West Conference showed they were just as much a power conference as the SEC and Pac-10 and absolutely shamed the ACC and Big 12.  Despite the best efforts of the talking heads to marginalize these teams and the power brokers to lock them out of the big money games, the mid-major football conferences produced a that rightly deserved to be called national champion.  Numbers don't lie.  Kurt Herbstreet does. 

Then of course this years NCAA basketball tournament did more to make the Sportscenter yakkers look bad than Boise State ever did.  First, the major conference backers were apoplectic at just the thought of the 8th best team in the ACC or Big 12 didn't make the tournament and that the lowly VCU Rams did.  How could the tournament not reward a mediocre team with a vast recruiting advantage in favor of a team tried to get in by winning basketball games?  Shame on VCU.  But it didn't matter, because the tournament organizers banished VCU to the hinterlands of the play-in game.  Unfortunately for Dick Vitale, VCU won that game and then 2 more.  All against the talking heads preferred talking heads.  Their was nothing better than seeing Vitale eating crow after VCU made the Sweet Sixteen.  But even then he wouldn't admit he was wrong.  He claimed that many teams in the ugly step sister NIT tournament could have done what VCU did and predicted they would soon loss.  Only problem is they didn't.  They kept winning.  Virgina Tech and Colorado couldn't make the Final Four of the NIT, let alone the NCAA tournament.  So much for all the insider knowledge Vitale possesses.

The real question I have is why anyone ever listens to these guys?  They are never right.  They don't even seem to be pay attention to what is happening on the field/court (See Joe Morgan).  Why does ESPN pay these guys millions of dollars when I guy off the street would do the same talking head job for $10 and be just as right in predicting games as "The Swami". 

Final College Football Bowl Standings

Conference	W	L	GB
MWC	4	1	-
Big East	4	2	0.5
Ind	2	1	1
Sun Belt	2	1	1
SEC	5	5	1.5
MAC	2	2	1.5
Pac10	2	2	1.5
WAC	2	2	1.5
ACC	4	5	2
Big Ten	3	5	2.5
Big12	3	5	2.5
C-USA	2	4	2.5

Bowl Season Performance - 2007-2010

Conference	W	L	GB
SEC	24	13	-
MWC	16	5	-
Big 12	16	12	3.5
Pac-10	13	9	3.5
Sun Belt	5	3	4.5
Ind.	4	3	5
Big East	12	13	6
Big Ten	14	17	7
C-USA	10	14	7.5
WAC	5	11	8.5
ACC	13	21	9.5
MAC	3	14	11

This blog post is sponsored by Massive Dynamic.

Every Girls Wants to be a Princess (trademarked)

Royalty as viewed in modern culture is not based in reality. With the faux-excitement of the commemorative plate buying set for the William/Kate pairing excepted, the monarchy has lost all romanticism and exist only as a useless burden on the European tax payers. Instead, in today's world, there is only one royal title that has any real value and it is branded. Unless you wear the crown of a Disney Princess, your run of the mill king or queen can expect about the same level of respect from the general populace as guy who tries to predict the college basketball teams that will make the NCAA tournament for a living. But if you happened to spring from the loins of the Lord of Atlantis or utilize rodents as your clothing designers, you will have a good portion of the XX individuals in this country spending the first 10 years of their life ready to sacrifice their brother for the chance to be you. That's were the cache is. Forget Princess Grace. The only princesses that most generations from here on out will know by name are Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Cinderella, and Rapunzel. Most times I have a complete detachment from reality in favor of world view shaped by primary colored animations. Yet are these really the role models our daughters should have. Airheaded nymphs that believe what ever they are told. 16 year-olds ready to run off and marry the first man they meet in the woods. Disney does many things well but providing positive role models for young girls. Maybe not.

This blog post is sponsored by Vandelay Industries.

Chance of Brightest Day, Most Likely Blackest Night

The trailer for the first live-action Green Lantern movie came out last weekend. Unfortunately though, when I call it live-action, I am using the term loosely. And this greatly disappoints me.

I am, of course a bit of sci-fi, comic book dork and in the realm of the superhero universe, Green Lantern was my childhood favorite. Superman was an incredibly boring and unimaginative character and Batman was just too mainstream for my taste. I wanted a B-level star to call my own and Green Lantern fit the bill (my choice of Green Lantern over Batman was for the same nonconformist reason that I chose to root for the New Orleans Saints and Houston Astros despite growing up around Pittsburgh and the greatest sport franchises of all time) . I was sold on the galactic policeman. Of course the cartoons that my fandom was built on didn't contain any of that confusing Book of Oa backstory. Just a man and his ring. But by the time I found out that Green Lantern wasn't that special in the comic book world, one of thousands that include a dog, a squirrel, and a cucumber, he had been imprinted on my amygdala. With the kind of brainwashing that only childhood cartoons can provide, I was very excited to hear that a Green Lantern movie was on the way. Of course, at this point my hopes should have been as high as a Democrat on election day but the lessons of G.I. Joe:Rise of Cobra and Transformers 2 didn't seem to fully set in.

The casting of Ryan Reynolds should have been the first warning sign. Yes, Hal Jordan is a cocky test pilot but the Green Lantern of Hal Jordan and John Stewart are definitely serious stalwart fellows. There is no such authority exuded by the Sexiest Man Alive (or Dead for that matter - I can't imagine a dead body being very sexy). He is the jokey, snarky, ironic guy. Just because Iron Man was such a hit, doesn't mean every superhero from here on out has to be Sherlock Holmes as Tony Stark. But I always like Reynolds going back to his days as a guy in a pizza place so I was willing to overlook Hal Jordan as a poorman's Stark minus the alcoholism. Then I saw the preview.....If they were going to use so much cheap CG, why not just make it an animated feature and call it a day. They couldn't even be bothered to fashion a real suit for GL out of real materials. They had to paint him up like on of the girls in the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issue. It looked horrible. When the next step after the three new Star Wars movies was the Cartoon Network's Clone Wars. I made complete sense. Nothing looked real in those movies. You might as well forget the expensive actors and just make it all computerized. And that is what we have with the Green Lantern movie. A whole lot of really fake looking CG done at the discount rate compared to the cost of Star Wars. If you were going to do this, why not just make another cartoon movie. At least Green Lantern has several options for his Jar Jar.

This blog post is sponsored by Ferris Aircraft.

Glad to be Wrong

Apparently, I was overly pessimistic in my last post. Instead of choking mightily, my fantasy team, on the back of the dependable DeAngelo Williams, came from behind for a dominate 15 point win in the championship game. Instead of whining about what might of been I was able to send gloating videos, like the one below, to my vanquished foe. Let's just say I am not a gracious winner. And well I shouldn't be. After many, many, many fantasy leagues over the year, this is my first championship in a competitive league. So I think I am going to enjoy it as I clearly possess the unmatched managerial and strategical skills necessary to stand head and shoulders above my so-called peers. I just hope they present more of a challenge next year.

This blog post is sponsored by Buy N Large.

This Is How It Ends?

After 16 long weeks of setting line-ups, scouring the waiver wires, turning down ridiculous trade offers, dealing with the dubious activities of a ethically questionable commissioner, and racking up big points and a spot in the championship game, my fantasy team decided to take the week off. Anquan Boldin breaks his face earlier in the year and takes a week off to get over it but a sore leg keeps him out of the most important game of year. The Ravens defense waits until this week to play like a team of elderly steroid freaks and unconvicted criminals. Oh wait...check that last one. Anyway, they stunk up the joint and I am left with an empty feeling.

This blog post is sponsored by Omni Consumer Products.

If These Walls Could Talk, They Would Scream in Pain

The reason my fantasy football team is so mediocre is because it is filled with interception machines and men that like to beat up on women instead of real studs like Chris Cooley. Just don't get between him in and a football unless you want a hole in your chest.

***On a related note - Can the talking heads finally acknowledge that Brett Farve is an overrated albatross to the team cursed with him and not an elite quarterback?***

This blog post is sponsored by Initech.

Childrearing Techniques for the 21st Century

Exceptional steps must be taken to properly raise your child in an increasing violent modern world. To aid in your defense of your child's health and well being in the face of this ongoing offensive comes these new childcare products sure to be essential components of any caring parent's arsenal. Want to take your baby for a walk but a worried about stray bullets from drive-by shootings. Worry no more when the little tike is outfitted in his own Kevlar vest and bullet-proof stroller. Want to help your child stand-up to the playground bully. Outfit him in full riot gear and he will be able to quell any grade school uprising. Now, if we could just convince the government that our toddlers should be able to pack heat as well, then, we as parents, could rest easy knowing our children our properly equipped to face the world. Just ask these guys.

Because you care about your child's safety, you wouldn't trust he or she to any pimply-faced teenager or kindly hobo when you and your baby's momma need to go out on the town to celebrate your 50 cent an hour raise at the local KFC. Instead, hard-partying, meth-dealing parents should consider the use another revolutionary parenting device, the baby cage. Combine this with everyone's favorite babysitter, the television, and parents can enjoy a guild-free weekend bender secure in the knowledge that their little one will be properly sedated and free of the dangers of electrical outlets and your liquor cabinet. It sure beats the alternative of locking the kid in the car where busy bodies bar patrons can kill your buzz by calling the cops. As evidenced by the clip below, utilization of the baby cage in early childhood results in a healthy, happy adulthood.

Guns Don't Kill People, Free Access to Guns Kill People

Being that we are in the midst of an active political campaign that latches onto the latest headline in a desperate attempt to generate their own top of the fold notoriety, it is hard to believe there has been almost no conversation on gun control. Granted that the Democratic Party has become an impotent imitation of Republican opposition, but you would think the recent spate of mass shootings would be ceased upon for political capital. There is no defensible stance for the resistance to reasonable gun control. Sportsman can still have their guns but they don't need automatic weapons to kill Bambi's mom. Registering ballistics reports for every gun sold doesn't invade anyone's privacy, only makes catching criminals easier. Delaying the purchase of a gun months to do full background checks including declarations on mental history and use of psychoactive drugs doesn't negatively affect anyone other than looking to exact immediate vengeance on someone. If you want a gun, you need to prove you can handle it. I understand that the economy and Iraq should be center stage but how about some thought about getting our gun culture in check. Want to know how out of control it is, see the ad below.

The NFL Writers Ran out of Good Ideas

The NFL season started with so much promise. Unlike so many past parity-stricken years, there appeared to be at least four truly dominant teams, one of historic proportions. We were on a path to some epic football clashes to conclude the year. But like a TV series (X-Files and hopefully not Lost) or movie (Independence Day because aliens use Macs) that develops a killer hook but does not have the intellectual wherewithal to pull off a satisfying conclusion, the NFL season died a painfully slow death of dashed hopes and squandered potential. None of the great match-ups materialized. Not one. We did not get Packers v. Cowboys, Colts v. Patriots, Cowboys or Packer v. Patriots. Just a bunch of mediocrity mindlessly meandering through the playoffs. At least the Super Bowl provided the hope that we would be able to observe history, even if it required replaying a game from just five weeks prior with a team quarterbacked by a guy that looks like the least intimidating member of a high school marching band (probably plays the French horn). Of course, to be consistent with the rest of the playoffs, the game was an underwhelming snooze-fest involving a Patriots team that came ready for a coronation ceremony instead of a football game. The whole season quickly went from historic to forgettable in the span of 5 weeks. And we won't even get into the 4th down non-holding call that allowed a vastly inferior Jacksonville team to triumph over the mighty and deserving Steelers. The only good thing that came out of this year's playoffs was this YouTube clip. It makes perfect sense to me that Hitler would both be a Cowboys fan and own a T.O. jersey.