There Is No Call For That Language

I  enjoyed this video.  Yes it is cliched and stereotypical.  But what do they say about stereotypes.  They become stereotypes because their is a nugget of truth to it that everyone recognizes.  I know for me, the first 15 seconds or so of this video are a common part of my everyday life.  And no, it is not endearing.

But here is the thing I don't get.  Never have.  The title of the video.  The completely unnecessary pejorative.  I know it may seem silly and maybe prudish.  Yet here I go into my grumpy old man routine.  

I personally stay well clear of working blue but I have no real problem with it in the right context.  Big fan of South Park.  Greatly enjoy the comic stylings of Daniel Tosh and Kevin Smith.  Let's not forget that fondness for always naked residents of True Blood.  Yes, this isn't exactly cutting edge stuff but still it is entertainment that can make one squirm when watching in the company of a parent.  So, even if I don't partake doesn't mean I can't take a little pleasure in a well placed profanity.  What I don't get is the totally unnecessary one, like in this title.  It adds not one extra giggle to the skit or a deeper meaning to the proceedings.  It is swearing just to swear.  Just as most swearing on the major networks.  Feeling pay cable envy, your routine procedural will now include a choice #$@?! or *$#&)!% in any given 40 minutes of time wasting.  Doesn't make the action more believable or the characters more credible.  In fact it is more the other way.  Growing up expecting a certain level of censorship on my TV, the precess of a network cuss immediately pulls me out of the show.  It is lazy writing.  By Grabthar's Hammer, can't they smarten up a bit and think of something more intelligent for their fraking screen avatars to spew from time to time?

This blog is sponsored by The Nerd Herd.

It's Not Easy Earning the Green

It has been awhile since I have seen a really good movie at the theater.  Granted, I haven’t had the chance to see the latest releases like Sherlock Holmes 2 and Tom Cruise in Sunglasses11 but I fully expect them to be nothing more than moderately entertaining, largely uninspired time wasters.  This is understandable given that my movie going experience has been largely limited to kiddy fare (with the eye-clawing exception of Twilight Saga : Please Make This StopBefore I Hara-Kiri Myself Part 1).  This has regrettably brought me face to face with such delights as the toy-hawking Cars 2 but it also gave me a convenient excuse to see the Muppet Movie. 

Unfortunately most nostalgia-fueled kids’ movies have largely been excruciating money grabs.   Us children of the 80’s remember how much we think we enjoyed the Smurfs, Chipmunks, and Yogi the Bear as kids and then rush out to the movie theater so that our progeny can experience the joy our brain’s way back machine convinces us we had when we first saw them on Saturday morning.  Of course, within 10 minutes of the lights going down, we realize that the Hollywood machine has completely befouled our childhood memories and then quietly weep through the remaining 70 minutes of brain liquefying computer animation while our children mentally make out their Christmas lists with everything they see on screen.  Of course, if we think really hard about it, we might even admit to ourselves that the source materials for these movies wasn’t of high quality either (I did love the part in Smurf where Doogie Howser questioned the naming system of the Smurfs).  And that is a key division point between these ankle biter of equivalents of the G.I. Joe movie and the Muppet-based movie.  The Muppets are legitimately funny.

The Muppets have always walked that thin line between giving the kids what they need for a good giggle while engaging in enough puns, word-play, and general absurdist humor that the adults that were brought along for the ride could have a good time as well (The Phineas and Ferb of its time).  In fact, in recently rewatching the original Muppet Movie with the kids, it bordered on being too adult-paced and teetered on the edge of losing them.  Me – I still found it as good as I remembered.   And thankfully those that made the new Muppets movie retained all of the cleverness that was contained in those classic Friday night episodes that I fell in love with as a kid.  They didn’t decide to computer generate them in 3D or put them in a world that they didn’t understand so you could do the standard fish out of water trope.  Instead it was same as it always was and should be.   That same world that found the existence of talking puppets to be normal and the presence of a flesh and bones and a felt-made brother pair to be unextraordinary.   The same fourth-wall acknowledging dialogue (quick aside – after explaining what the term fourth wall means to my eldest, she greatly enjoyed pointing out all of the instances in the Muppet movie of their fourth wall-breaking behavior.  Our youngest hearing this but not understanding, enjoys pointing out when things break the 2^nd and 3^rd wall).  Even the new characters introduced to the Muppet Universe in this movie were completely consistent with this tradition.  In fact, one of my favorite parts of movie was the character of “80’s Robot”.  Although he was responsible for one of the most generationally divisive joke of the movie.  The screeching sound of the dial-up modem that he used to connect to the internet produced a hardy chuckle out of the adults in the audience while the kids stared up in them in confusion asking what was so funny.

My greatest disappointment associated with the Muppet Movie is that it is going to finish well behind The Smurfs and the 3^rd Chipmunk Movie in box office receipts.  This is a movie that deserved better.  We are likely going to get a second dose of unnecessarily created Smurfs (I am looking at you Gutsy – couldn’t you have just been Hefty or Handy) before we get to find out if Tex Richman remembers to let those showgirls out of his closet now that he has amnesia.  At least TinTin is dying a predictable death and won’t be back for more creepily realistic animated adventures.  If only we treated all of the Belgian cartoon immigrants with the same indifference.  Come on people, buy American. Buy more Muppets.  Maniacal Laugh.  Maniacal Laugh.

Solitaire Update 

See I was right.  I had a very good reason for not stopping at 200 hands played.  My win percentage continues to climb.  Still not ready to conclude anything from this quite yet but it might actually be suggesting that just the act of playing solitaire again and again has actually improved my ability to play this game of skill (A solitaire player who blames bad luck for their losing ways is just a solitaire player that doesn’t truly understand the game).   I am beginning to see the dead-end moves that I would have previously made impetuously but now can avoid.  And as a result, each time I have tallied my results, my win percentage has gone up a percent.  For now, I am going to keep chugging along and see if my Solitaire learning curve finally plateaus.  But, until then, I will continue my climb to solitaire immortality.

Day 21 – 1 of 4 (203)

Day 22 – 2 of 12 (203)

Day 23 – 1 of 12 (200.5, 3.5, 47.07)

Day 24 – 1 of 4 (200.5, 3.64, 48.6)

Day 25 – 2 of 10 (199.5, 3.56, 48.29)

Day 26 – 2 of 11 (198.5, 3.76, 50.26)

Day 27 – 2 of 9 (199.5)

Day 28 – 0 of 7 (200.5, 3.77, 49.4)

Day 29 – 2 of 5 (200.5, 3.71, 49.33)

Day 30 – 1 of 8 (199, 3.75, 49.27)

Day 31 – 1 of 3 (200.5, 3.75, 50.1)

Day 32 – 1 of 4 (200, 3.75, 49.49)

Day 33 – 1 of 12

Day 34 – 6 of 26

Total - 53 of 318 (16.7%)

This blog post is sponsored by Richman Oil.

All By Myself

As I have well established through this blog, I am a world-class procrastinator.  Despite the best intentions to use this as a means to practice my "writing", I have been lucky to average a single post a month.  Mainly because important tasks like sleeping, reading someone else's incredibly insightful blog, or determining that House's latest patient doesn't have lupus always gets in the way.  Most recently though, my diversion of choice (no, choice is the wrong word - it is more like unconscious compunction) is electronic solitaire.  It is quick, always accessible challenge that calls out to me the moment my attention wains from the task at hand.  Often I use it as an incentive to drive me through unpleasant tasks - if a finish this section, I can play a quick hand.  But all to often it turns into a bad case of Civilization - One more turn Syndrome.  Compulsively clicking through to the next deal in hopes that that one will bring me the proper alignment of cards to take the day.  And when I do win, that just fuels the fire to try again.  It is the same compunction that gives the success of the minimally rewarding games like Farmville and Angry Birds.  Success in it doesn't prove any particular skill or ability.  It is just a time waster that eats at your day while every so often patting you on the head and telling you that you are a good boy.

But at the same time, I have begun to think there must be a strategy to this.  A way of playing that increases your odds of winning.  That if you play closer attention to the order of the cards as they are revealed in sets of three, you can make more intelligent decisions on which cards to play.  Actively passing up options to move cards from the deck in order to get a more favorable card later.  Choosing to move the card that frees up the space for the king instead of the card from the biggest unturned column of cards.  There is in fact skill and strategy to solitaire and once I figure it out, I can increase my rate of winning.  It isn't just luck.  Why aren't their competitive solitaire tournaments out there to allow the true kings of solitaire shine?  There has to be, right?  This card game is no more luck based than poker.

So with that in mind and with the hope that I can turn my procrastination technique into a driver for posting on the blog, I will start today to track my rate of success in solitaire.  If I am right.  If there is any skill what so ever, I should get better with time (unless of course my prior work in this area has already delivered me at my peak solitaire playing ability).  Who knows, maybe I will become the greatest solitaire player of all time.

Day 1 - 1 win out of 10 hands
Day 2 - 1 win out of 10 hands
Day 3 - 0 wins out of 11 hands (the first shutout and the low point of the monitoring so far)

Be sure to check back often to see how a progress on this thrilling adventure.

This blog poster is sponsored by Better Lawn Service and Pool Cleaning.

One More Way Newspapers Have Moved Online

While we are on the topic of nerdy web-based comics that amuse me, I have to mention my favorite of the bunch,  xkcd.  I forgive the fact that it favors physics and mathematics over biology and genetics for its humor  Egg-head humor of this quality is hard to come by.  But all of this talk of comics reminds me of my favorite part of the Sunday paper growing up.  Calvin and Hobbes. Far Side.  Bloom County.  Despite the fact that the paper was think enough to kill Alvin and the Chipmunks if it were to land on them, this was only section (other than Sports) that I would make sure to read (well I may have also made sure to review the Best Buy flier).  But as the newspapers began to die so did the comics section.  It became thinner and thinner.  Soon the only things left were the milquetoast strips like Beetle Bailey and Family Circus which are the humor equivalent of Orange you glad I didn't say Banana Knock Knock joke. Thankfully, the thing that killed the comic strip is saving it again.  The internet has a flourishing comic strip community.  Some blogs are even assembling their own Sunday comic sections with only web-based comics.  They aren't terrible.  And they are definitely better than Hagar the Horrible.

 

This blog post is sponsored by Kabletown.

You Sunk My Battleship

Trailers are often the best part of a movie (see National Treasure 2 and Indiana Jones and the Retirement Home of Doom - subject of upcoming blog post). All of the best scenes cherry picked and strung together with a melodramatic voice over to give it gravitas. It has become an artform of sort. It seems it is easier to create a quality trailer than it is to make a quality movie. Heck, they keep convincing me to see Nick Cage movies (It has all been down hill since Con Air). Plus trailers allow you to save $20 and 2 hours of your life while still getting the same level of enjoyment. Is it any wonder then that there are some high quality trailers out there for movies they will never make? How could the movies ever live up to these comic gems? Add in the blatant name checking of my favorite childhood diversions in the first trailer, and I was sold. The second trailer - well just in time for Halloween is a horror movie that no one wants to see.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Goin' Rogue

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

This blog post is sponsored by Rich Industries.

The NFL Writers Ran out of Good Ideas

The NFL season started with so much promise. Unlike so many past parity-stricken years, there appeared to be at least four truly dominant teams, one of historic proportions. We were on a path to some epic football clashes to conclude the year. But like a TV series (X-Files and hopefully not Lost) or movie (Independence Day because aliens use Macs) that develops a killer hook but does not have the intellectual wherewithal to pull off a satisfying conclusion, the NFL season died a painfully slow death of dashed hopes and squandered potential. None of the great match-ups materialized. Not one. We did not get Packers v. Cowboys, Colts v. Patriots, Cowboys or Packer v. Patriots. Just a bunch of mediocrity mindlessly meandering through the playoffs. At least the Super Bowl provided the hope that we would be able to observe history, even if it required replaying a game from just five weeks prior with a team quarterbacked by a guy that looks like the least intimidating member of a high school marching band (probably plays the French horn). Of course, to be consistent with the rest of the playoffs, the game was an underwhelming snooze-fest involving a Patriots team that came ready for a coronation ceremony instead of a football game. The whole season quickly went from historic to forgettable in the span of 5 weeks. And we won't even get into the 4th down non-holding call that allowed a vastly inferior Jacksonville team to triumph over the mighty and deserving Steelers. The only good thing that came out of this year's playoffs was this YouTube clip. It makes perfect sense to me that Hitler would both be a Cowboys fan and own a T.O. jersey.

Why isn't this a Real Movie

From the people who brought you Facebook/Off, now comes the latest worldwide blockbuster, Minesweeper: The Movie. Actually, I wouldn't mind seeing a full length version of either of these. Are these movie ideas any worse than basing a 2 hour story on a 5 minute amusement park ride? And since we are considering making movies out of non-traditional computer-based properties, can we please have an Oregon Trail: The Movie?

More Time to Play with his Transformers

Bill Gates is calling an end to an era. He is stepping down as the head of day-to-day operations of Microsoft. It is hard to remember a day in my life when he wasn't serving as the most powerful man in the world. I guess he will just have to settle for the richest. And get this, he is quitting his day job to commit all of his time to giving away all his money. How un-American. To mark this moment in history, Mr. Gates has made a video detailing his transition. As fine an actor as the ultimate geek is, his farewell note is only the second best out of office memo produced by a powerful, well-known leader of men.

The Meek Shall Inherit Pain

There isn't much that warms my cockles more than seeing little kids bounce off hard surfaces. At least they are made of some combination of cement and rubber. They feel no pain and rarely break anything. Plus, they are like real people only smaller which makes it funny.

Order of the Pheonix - A Potter that isn't Horrible

Just saw the most recent Harry Potter movie. I was surprised by the watchability of the thing. The special effects weren't distractingly awful and the movie lacked many of the gaping plot holes that the novels are well known for. The last scene did not consist of long exposition that if shared with Harry at the beginning of the movie would have prevented all of the events of the movie from happening. For a change, I didn't have the feeling that this was a children's movie written by a child. Anyway, I only mention this to give a reason for archiving these Potter-related amusements.

How Can I Watch Commercials Without the Annoying TV Shows

Since I seem to be on a roll with the archiving of commercials, let's continue the streak with a commercial that was deemed not be up to the high quality standards of television hackery. It is a shame since this is in fact a very amusing sixty seconds of shilling alcoholic beverages. Not being a fan of hops and barley, I am not the target audience of the beer companies but I do have to give them credit for consistently producing the best Super Bowl ads. The companies behind the other component of drunk driving could really learn something from their intoxicating brethren. Somehow Chevy has yet to find a way to entertain and sell at the same time, at least not on purpose.

Ready For Some Football

As I mentioned before, I am a big fantasy nerd. So, with the football season officially kicking off this weekend, I thought I might catalog these fantasy football-related videos that brought some joy to my simple life. I desperately need it as both of my fantasy teams decided to start their season next week.

Make It Stop

TV has long been blamed for the corruption and dumbing down of our society. Well, it appears that TV has decided stop fighting that image and started to deliberately produce shows intended to cause our brains to eat themselves. The worst part of this story is that the demonic creatures that now run TV have decided target the most innocent, helpless portion of our society. No, not the president. Babies and toddlers, insuring that the next generations best skill will be drooling on themselves. I first suspected this when I watched some of the Baby Einstein videos. They purport to have some educational value but to me it seemed that all babies learned to do was zone out in front of the glowing box. Of course, it has since been confirmed that these videos do make you dumber. Now comes the most insidious plot yet to kill brain cells, Yo Gabba Gabba. Watch the clip above and you will have glimmer of the danger this show poses (This blog is not responsible for mental or physical issues that may result from watching this toxic waste). To truly appreciate the evil genius of this show, you have to hear and see the performance of the "Jumpy Jump" song. It is freely downloadable at the show's MySpace page (Of course it is free. The purveyors of this filth are only interested in destroying us, not making a profit). But again, I must warn you to listen to this at your own risk. It is really sticky and is the enemy's most effective weapon in the destruction of intelligent life. I am still trying to free myself from it. Soon we will all end up like the character's in Will Ferrell's latest web video (below) or everyone in "The Invasion". Please, storm Nick Jr. studios. Throw your TV's out. Just don't let Yo Gabba Gabba into your house.

Don't Take Your Sports so Seriously

There is no doubt that I am a big sports nerd. I have long been a participant in fantasy sports games and have wasted several years of my life playing sports video games dating back to Intellivision. It is not surprising then that I also utilize sports commentary columns and radio shows to procrastinate at work. I have found though that I am not a big fan of the straight sports news story, instead preferring those voices that mix pop culture and politics with their sports talk. This is one of the reasons that my afternoon commute (all 10 minutes of it) is spent listening to occasional PTI host Dan Le Batard's local radio show. It is 25% sports, 75% nonsense. This is also the reason that I have followed the Tuesday Morning Quarterback column through it's many incarnations. I originally started to read the column on ESPN.com. But when the tastefully named Gregg Easterbrook angered his mousy overlord, he was forced to take his show on the road. Originally starting the TMQ column on Slate.com before moving to the big time at ESPN, Easterbrook was forced to move the vagabond opinion piece yet again, this time to NFL.com. Apparently Mickey has a short memory because TMQ is now back at ESPN. Some speculate that this is due to the departure of Micheal Eisner who was criticized in the objectionable article. I don't care were I find TMQ as long as I can print it up for travel to the porcelain jungle.

Easterbrook holds a position at the left of center political think tank the Brookings Institute, writes for the left leaning New Republic, and has published commentary on Christian theology. So naturally, his TMQ articles are filled with asides about happening in politics, ethics, and as a true geek, the factual errors of science fictions shows. These commentaries are not straight unbiased reporting either. The words of TMQ definitely are meant to advance the agendas of its author. I have learned to take the non-football reporting with a grain of salt. The level of spin added to some stories obfuscates the truth sometimes. For instance, I have found his campaign against the continued glorification of violence in the movies to be right on target but specific descriptions and accounts of scenes in the "Passion of the Christ" did not turn out to be on target when I actually saw it. Same goes for his recent comments on the last Harry Potter. I thought he had one of the most insightful comments yet about the last Harry Potter book when he wondered aloud why the good guys didn't use guns against the evil wizards when it was made clear the wizards were vulnerable to projectile objects. But the remaining issues that he listed made it sound like he hadn't read a page of the book or any other in the series. Although it is a horribly weak plot device, Rowling made it clear in a previous book that the Sorting Hat could produce the Sword of Gryffindor. (On a side note, I liked Stephen King's comment that habit of the kids coming up with a brand new spell every time they were in danger was lazy writing) There were many, many, many problems with the Harry Potter books that should have made them unreadable to adults. TMQ just didn't pick up on them. Despite all that, TMQ is still my third favorite place to catch up on current events. It is also a fantastic way to avoid doing the work piling up on your desk.

Because Your Butt Deserves the Very Best

Really? Do people really have such an excess of disposable income that this is actually a viable product? A toilet seat with it's own remote control. I stumbled across this and I sure am glad I did. It turns out that all I needed to cure my severe depression was a 21st century update to toilet paper. At least they put up a first class website to front their advertising campaign. Nothing more amusing than watching people try to discuss a delicate issue such as butt hygiene while trying to move product and be up beat. The naked rump smiling faces are just the start the of the fun. More companies should consider nudity in their corporate logos.

Good Science

In line with the rationale for this blog, I wanted to note several fine science-related news articles from American's most reliable source of news, The Onion. I have been a big fan of The Onion since being an undergrad and working for a University of Wisconsin alumni that subscribed to the Madison-based satirical paper. Always funny with dead-on comedy and commentary. With science being near and dear to my heart, their mockery of the lab coat clad always gave me particular joy. With that here are a few of the favorites.

World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice

Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding

Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys